This is an open letter to the best coach I’ve ever had.
Dear Todd,
When we started the Level 1 Coach Podcast, the first conversation I had with Mikhail was that I didn't want to dance around topics. Too often when you hear from high-level coaches who make it on podcasts, it sounds like this. Cliches and soundbites…
“You have to develop relationships with the players.”
If the follow-up question is, “How do you do that?”
The coach doesn’t dig any deeper…
As if there's some secret sauce in building relationships with players.
So they never talk about how they do it.
I don't want to be that person. You didn’t want to be that person. We talked about it on many scouting roadtrips.
So this is a nod to you for changing how I think about the most important thing in coaching. Relationships. And going deeper than all the podcast guests that we didn’t like on all those car rides that thought they had secret sauce.
I don't think you can systematize relationships.
The one nugget that I heard early on in my coaching career that sounds great on a podcast but now doesn't sound great is this idea that some coaches have a whiteboard in their office with every player’s jersey number on the board. Their system is to have at least one conversation with a player throughout the week.
Sounds great in theory, but I think having a system like this is ‘box checking’. Something that makes you feel good about having accomplished the task. But relationships aren’t about box-checking conversations for their own sake…
You taught me that. There was no system with you, there was just you…
A Different and Better Way
You were the model for how I was going to treat players.
What I didn’t want to be is what you didn’t want to be. Our youth coaches, our college coaches. Traditional, old school, cold and performative…
Coaching and meeting a coach throughout my youth hockey career always felt very formal.
On the first day, they would introduce themselves as Coach (insert last name).
They would talk about how they wanted to be called Coach with a capital C.
They would talk about how they were going to coach us and be ‘hard’ on us.
And then I met you at the first meeting with the junior team in training camp and shocked me with this…
The System is There is No System
When you introduced yourself for the first time, you stood up and the first thing out was, “Hey, everyone, my name's Todd.
Please don't call me Coach.
Please don't call me Coach McIlrath.
Call me Todd.”
Contrast that with my college coach. The coach that I liked the least and had the worst relationship with…
On his first day of training camp, he introduced himself and said, My name's Coach (insert last name)
You can call me Coach.
Don't call me anything other than Coach.
It was formal.
It was stiff.
And it gave off the same vibes that I had being 12 years old, meeting a youth coach for the first time. Performative. Playing a role like an actor instead of acting like… Yourself.
What you did was shocking and it opened my eyes to what could be.
I never had a coach like you until I had a coach like you.
And that's the point of all this.
Being good at relationships is about being exactly who you are.
You knew as a player through his user experience that he didn't like the stiff formality, the top-down, coaching the way he always had been coached was not an option.
It wasn't part of who you are.
It wasn't what you believed in.
So you didn’t do it.
You opened the door for possibilities when I became a coach.
Observing playing video games with the guys in training camp at your house.
Cracking jokes on the ice when we thought it was supposed to be ‘serious’.
Inviting people to grab coffee, grab lunch, watch game film, or work out one-on-one. Creating touch points. Being a best friend.
That’s how I describe your style.
You were like a best friend and then became a best friend.
A best friend who was ahead of you on your journey, who knew the challenges you were going to face and how to navigate them with skill.
A best friend who was way better at hockey than you, and that could also teach you how to be better yourself.
You completely shattered the old paradigm of what I thought a coach was.
You inspired, added value, was himself, and cared about people… These are the starting points. Points that can’t be systematized.
When I became a coach, I learned that I could be myself.
And some players thought it was weird. And that was okay. Some players didn't resonate with me. And that was okay. But in the two years that I coached the junior team, I had a handful of guys that I had incredibly deep and rewarding relationships with.
And the way I did it was the same way you did it with me. Watch one, do one, teach one. I hope this article is my ‘teach one’ for others…
Sometimes we would grab breakfast.
Sometimes we would grab a coffee and just talk about anything other than hockey.
What were they interested in away from the rink?
What were their hobbies?
What was their family like?
What were their aspirations?
Sometimes I would do a one-on-one workout with them. I would show them what I would do. I would help them in areas they were struggling with. If they had a nagging injury, I could teach them ways to work around it, work through it, or build up the muscle imbalances around the area to get them out of pain and into better performance.
Having a background in RPR also helped me with player relationships.
If a player walks in and he's got shoulder pain from a hit that he took, that's a 5 out of 10 and it's bothering him every single day and he's thinking about it.
And you can use an intervention to take it to a 0 out of 10 or a 1 out of 10.
That's going to add value to the player.
That's going to build trust and improve your relationship with the player.
I wrote an article about how a coach should be liked and respected.
And I got some pushback from it.
Because people can't get out of the old paradigm that you can't have both.
You have to be one or the other.
And if you're just liked, you're going to get walked on.
But there are two pieces to player relationships.
Number 1, you have to add value.
You have to be able to make them better at hockey.
You have to be able to make them better athletes.
You have to be able to make them better leaders.
That takes time and attention.
Number 2 is the real edge. Being able to be liked.
To be a best friend to them.
Someone that they want to spend time around.
Because the more time they want to spend around you, the more touch points you have with them.
And the more ability you have to shape, improve, and mold them into who they want to be. But they're not going to want to be around you unless they like you.
The reason that I went from a below-average high school hockey player to a Division 3 commit in three years was spending as much time around you as possible.
We worked out together in the off-season.
You showed me what working out like a professional hockey player looked like.
We skated together in the off-season.
You spent time working with me one-on-one addressing skill gaps.
Sometimes we would just go grab lunch and we wouldn't talk about how to get better at the sport. We wouldn't talk about what we did in the gym that day.
We would just talk.
So I think the real reason why some coaches don't delve into their system behind how to improve player relationships on podcasts is because there isn't one.
Time, attention, adding value, and likability are the core tenets.
Being yourself is also important.
You take the Great Coach Razor to the next level. Some coaches are getting hugs after the season on Senior Night, you’re getting a letter written as our best friend relationship hits year 13… That beats the shit out of a hug on senior night I’m sure, but I’m biased writing you this letter.
So how do we do it better? This relationship thing?
Create touchpoints, as many as you can.
Add value as much as you can.
And just fucking care about people as much as you can.
Get rid of your whiteboard.
Don't cross off names as you have conversations with players simply to check a box.
I'd rather miss a few players during the week and have conversations that actually move the needle with everyone else than cut conversations short because I know I have to talk to John and Jim by 4 p.m. Thursday or I won’t hit my target. Fuck your target.
The system makes it fake.
Deep, caring time and attention make it real.
Don’t check boxes, check on human hearts.