Each year I go home for the holidays, I end up learning something about human beings.
My grandparents grew up in the ‘depression’ era. Followed by the ‘bunch of wars’ era. So that means they projected the fear of their perception of the world onto my parents when they were raising them and then that became how they parented me.
A perpetuation problem that if unchecked, keeps getting worse.
Good news…
Following the In-Powered Coach will help you become the last generation of your family that this affects.
Let me tell you a story that happened today and then tie in a lesson for coaches that I’ve learned the hard way…
There was a major issue today…
My brother is in town for 2 nights and then will be back on Christmas Day to celebrate with the extended family. 3 nights total. Then he’ll go back to living 8 hours away.
I’ll be in town 8 nights and then go back to live 12 hours away from my parents.
Why am I telling you this pre-text?
Because there was a huge issue that happened today at our household…
What was the huge issue in the Carlson house today?
Great question, the wifi quit working.
Yes…
The wifi quit working before we had plans to go to downtown Detroit and spend some family time at the Christmas outdoor market and then have a meal together down there…
My dad spent most of the morning trying to troubleshoot an issue from my perspective that would be considered very minor, but we are not the same person and to him it was a big deal.
Sidenote: I learned today where some of my hyper-fixaton on things may stem from…
He spent the first 10 minutes of our drive downtown on the phone with ‘tech support’ trying to explain the nature of the problem, I learned very early in the call that there was nothing we could do from the car when the ‘problem’ existed ‘at home’. The problem was a ‘local’ issue and when you aren’t in that exact locality, there is nothing that can be done…
11 minutes into the call, and 15 minutes after I learned the first lesson of the day, sitting in the front passenger seat, I hit the ‘End Call’ red button on my Dad’s media screen in the car. I was hoping what I did would help it ‘click’ for him.
It didn’t click yet, because he spent the rest of the afternoon on his phone looking for answers when he could have been present at lunch with his kids.
If I had written this article during my 2-year stint as a junior hockey HC, you would have called me the biggest hypocrite.
Why?
“You Don’t Care About Anything.”
2 years into our relationship after leaving the HC position, I would hear this comment bi-weekly from Tiffany.
Things she would want to spend energy and time on like a person from our past she wanted to talk about or something as simple as where we wanted to eat for dinner… I wouldn’t always invest a similar amount of energy into it. Put simply, there was a gap in our ‘give a fuck’ about things.
For the previous 2 years, I cared about so much shit:
Why doesn’t Ben respond to any coaching?
Why does Austin continue to act like an asshole no matter what?
Why does every player on our team think they can play in the NAHL?
I can’t believe ‘X’ player did this at practice today?
How do you think a team meal is something you can take the option on?
Why on earth would you choose to light a joint in the parking lot of our rink after a game?
Who raised these kids?
…
What am I doing wrong?
Point is, I cared about everything regarding my job. I was at war with myself and everyone around me for 2 years. There was no ‘peace of mind’. Everything was a major issue, everything was to ‘be cared’ about.
The other point, I saw myself in my Dad today. And it allowed me to have empathy instead of get upset about it. Something else I wouldn’t have done 4 years ago.
Air Pumps and Life Lessons
Here’s what I couldn’t contextualize 4 years ago that I didn’t miss today when it happened to my Dad:
You’re in control of the air pump…
Watch this clip:
You might look at this clip and say, “Drew, Patrick is in control of the air pump in this clip.”
I’d challenge you to look at it differently…
Patrick pumps it up in direct proportion to the amount of ‘freaking out’ Spongebob is doing. Patrick is teaching Spongebob the same lesson that I learned coaching, and I tried to teach my pops today…
The lesson?
Effects are not caused, they are chosen.
How much air are you going to pump into that issue/problem/person/result?
You can inflate the problem as big as you'd like…
However, growth occurs when you understand you don't have to inflate anything.
Remember this… Effects are not caused, they are chosen.
In a moment where the wifi craps out, a ref makes a ‘shitty call’, or you watch the last 9 games worth of PK clips because your PK got scored on one time tonight… Catch yourself pumping the air pump in your mind… Over-inflating the issue. And then deflate some of that ballon by saying to yourself…
“I choose to pump air into this or not, I choose what size this ‘problem’ is.
Become aware that the ego wants to make everything ‘important’. The ego wants you to grab the air pump and crank on it like Patrick Star in that clip from above…
Your highest Self knows that is an illusion…
The holiday season is a great time to observe people pulling the air pump out of their mental garage and filling a list of shit that ‘does not matter’ with a ton of air.
The Anti-Goal: Don’t inflate this
If you or they choose to inflate it…
Observe, give grace and forgive.
Merry Christmas