When a player says, “this ain’t it fam…”
And you wonder if they are speaking English…
It means they disagree.
With that said… This ain’t it fam.
We see these posters on Facebook and Twitter and they blow up with likes.
If you didn’t click on the tweet to read the whole thing. The title is “Hard Coaching=Love”
And the last line you can’t see that will be important later is, “if you can’t see hard coaching is love, then you’re blind.”
So for the rest of the article, I apologize for the typos, because I’m blind now.
I’ve got bad news.
This poster is cope for coaches that can’t coach, won’t evolve, and blame their kids for not listening to them.
Buckle up… This one is gonna be a long one… But a great one.
Hard Coaching IS NOT Love
Just in case you weren’t clear on my thesis.
What is Love?
Okay, I’ll get serious now…
Love is an “elevated emotion.”
Love is up there with “joy.” Not listed but also up in the expanded states of consciousness:
excitement
gratitude
inspiration
Being “coached hard” is not love at all. Nor is it even near it on this chart.
My biggest gripe about the “like magnet” sign above about hard coaching is the 5th section:
There’s a reason your coach is on you about being early, staying late, studying, taking care of your body and being a good person.
When you are “on someone’s case” about something, you’re typically coming at them from a contracted state of being.
I’ll walk you through a couple of common statements you may have used.
I’m coaching you this way because that’s how it’ll be at the next level.”
This is inauthentic to you because you’re coaching like the potential college/pro coach that doesn’t exist for them yet. This is deceitful, which comes from control which comes from either fear or anger… Low vibes coach.
Come late again and you’ll sit the whole weekend of games!
Any guesses?
This is fear-based. Also known as… Not love.
Let’s do one more.
College coaches are going to want you to play around X weight, you’re going to need to get there to get noticed.
A double whammy of shame and fear. Nice combo.
But hey, that “hard coaching” right there is love.
And believing the above comment is gaslighting…
You’re on a roll now.
Ready for the better way that I can see? (even though according to the poster, I’m supposed to be blind)
My “Inspiration” Story
I knew I wanted to be a serious hockey player my whole life but my “ignition moment” (the moment I was inspired to take it to a new level) came in my first year of junior hockey. And it wasn’t because my first junior coach, “coached me hard.”
Instead, he did this:
Showing to Inspiring
You can tell when someone loves the game of hockey. And when you “think” you love the game and then you meet one of these people… You realize you could love the game a whole lot more.
Todd was that guy for me. He’d show up at the rink early, go above and beyond for the players, and never lose energy the whole day. It was infectious to be around this guy.
“We can do hockey whenever you want here. Call me and tell me to come back to the rink if you want to work on a skill you’re struggling with. We can go to lunch if you need to talk or want to ask questions. Whatever you need.”
Most coaches say “whatever you need” and then it’s not like that… But he meant it.
So I took him up on it.
Because I thought I loved hockey.
But I knew he loved hockey.
So I wanted to be around him to learn how I could love the game more which would make me better.
So I came to the rink early and we would work 1 on 1.
I stayed late for the same reasons.
I would have asked questions but 18 year old me was almost “mute.”
So he taught around my body language, facial expressions and what he saw I was struggling with and where I needed my knowledge gaps filled.
He ignited me to “want” to go to the next level. It was love, joy, excitement, freedom, and inspiration that transformed my entire game.
There wasn’t one bit of “hard coaching.”
Relationship First
The problem with coaches that love that poster is that they are the same ones at coaching clinics or BBQs saying:
“Kids these days just don’t listen.”
“If they would have just taken my advice, we would have had a winning season.”
If they don’t respond to “my coaching” that’s on them…
You can “ride guys” if you want. But the coaches that are successful and “ride guys” have a well-established relationship that you don’t see.
Coach K talks on a 2018 docu-series that followed Duke basketball around. He said something like this:
You see me on ESPN going up and down the sidelines sometimes, yelling at my guys but what you don’t see is me talking to them at practice everyday in the locker room, at meals, in 1 to 1 meetings, etc.
But youth coaches see the “TV guy” and think they can be like that to their players all the time.
If he was “Gameday Coach K” all the time, his players would hate him. There needs to be love before you can speak to another human being like that.
Hard coaching is not love, but love must come before “hard coaching.”
Is it Love or something else?
Trying to “control” your players is not loving to them
Shaming your players is not loving to them
Fear-based tactics, not loving to them
These things can drive compliance all day. And you can even “win” doing this stuff.
But here’s the real kick in the pants…
You drive short-term compliance by coaching this way and it works. You have 4 great years in a row and get offered the coaching job of your dreams because you “win.”
Is hurting the players to get “where you want to go” loving them?
I’ll hang up and listen…